OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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