As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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