My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
