Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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