I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
