Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
