so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
