Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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