Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
