you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
