I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
