u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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