you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
