Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
