Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
