you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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