Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
