Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
