I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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