that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
