were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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