sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
