I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
