but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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