did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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