i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
