this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My pussy is not your playground.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
