if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
