Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
