sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
