I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sorry about my life...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
