Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
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I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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