I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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