He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
