Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
