seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
