he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
