How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
