I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
