Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
