I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
