I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
