and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
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I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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