This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
