2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
