I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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