Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
