All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
