i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
