soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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