I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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