Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
worst night to have a conscience
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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