I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can text with my tongue
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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