sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
