As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
