My underwear smells like fireworks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
