I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
