So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
