She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
