When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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