i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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