hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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