Can i not drive my cunt home
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
