Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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