So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
